Self Defense: Basics
Sun, January 20, 2008
Filed under: Humor, Survival
My parents are often (read: always) doubting my maturity. They are, however, always careful to stress that despite their nonstop nagging they are incredibly proud of me. It’s just that, there are these worrisome cases of me freaking out over tiny insects. I’d like to stress that whatever they label tiny, I define as reasonably dangerous… at the very least. 
After yet another episode of “DAAAAAAAAAD! GET THIS MONSTER OFF THE WALL NOOOW!!!!!111!!!one111!!!one!!”, my parents have once again brought up the age old question of how will I ever survive without them?
Case study: HUGE green flying grasshopper in the middle of the room.
(FYI by “HUGE” I mean 10cm long, 2cm wide and 1cm in height.)Step1: Scream bloody murder. Don’t worry about your neighbors, they won’t care.
Step2: Get your broomstick out of the closet, bathroom or wherever you keep it. If you’re squeamish like yours truly, a long handle and sizable cleaning part are preferred. This way, you can keep your distance.
Step3: Bludgeon the bloody beast to death (duh!). Since the grasshopper is not “HUGE” by international standards, even the smallest amount of force will suffice. Just make sure to strike hardest at the start.
Step4: Disposal requires indecent amount of toilet paper. My personal dumping strategy involves throwing it out the balcony/window. Just make sure your neighbors don’t see you - the idea is to dispose of it. Not throw it out, only to go down 4 flights of stair to pick it up again.
You might feel a bit weak-kneed after this, but YOU’RE SAFE. *cue harsh panting*
If you have any other suggestions, feel free to mention them 
Fry it and eat it
Your post really made me laugh.
Vera: er… I can barely look at one, let alone eat any. I’ll keep it in mind… for ugh… emergencies
If mother is present, she is my weapon of choice. Otherwise, a
vacuum cleaner will suffice. After a grand display of feminine screaming, of course.
Vera: a vacuum cleaner needs to be plugged in though. Broomsticks can be wielded without additional power source
I definitely agree! It’s the way I go about it, for sure! Except when I am overly scared. Then, I cower in a corner and scream until someone else takes care of it. This is especially true with my arch-nemesis, the ladybug.
Vera: oh… good thing, I changed my layout then (version 10)
Last night - “daaaaaaaad! I can’t change this lightbulb and it’s dark in here! Come and help me!
”
Vera: I keep threatening them with moving out, which I’ll probably do this autumn. I can’t imagine they’d be very happy to be woken up in the middle of the night for a spider
Was it really 10cm long??? 10?? Really?
Vera: it might have been 9.5…
I’m too scared to kill any bugs. If I do, I have dreams that their giant mother comes to eat me
Vera: yikes! If it’s a wasp, I generally wave a towel, and keep screaming till it gets out the window.
I usually don’t get that big of bugs here, but I usually get an inordinate amount of tissues proceed to ball up the spider until there’s no possible way it could still be alive.
Vera: toilet paper’s cheaper
But you need to dispose of that thing if you use a broom which requires close contact even with the despicable amount of paper.
Vera: good point
lmfao! I am the very same way, only, since I don’t live with my parents, I have Jeff to do it…and he is just as afraid of bugs as I am
One time, after showering, Jeff was at work, and the kids were still up, I stepped out of the bathtub, and literally screamed like I was being stabbed to death. So, Kenzie, then 4yrs old, runs in, to find me standing ontop the toilet, grabs a shoe, and courageously somehow managed to get close enough to the brown recluse, to squish it until there was nothing but innards left of it.
Vera: kids are always the bravest of us. Three cheers for Kenzie
Lol you’re just like me with a bit more guts.
I sit there and scream and I text my friends going OMGOMGOMGOMG and wait till one of my family members come around.
Vera: my friends live quite far, so even if I did text them, that wouldn’t solve much. The screaming helps though. You know, just like a battle cry of sorts.
I won’t scream when I see grasshoppers, I’m not that scared of them. But I’m scared of spiders. When I see them I scream so loud, that my parents always, always know it’s because of a spider.
Vera: pfft! I don’t discriminate
I had to keep my eyes squinted to look at your ladybug theme. And then look away quickly. They are so creepy!
Creepier, even, than this… this… thing that got into the house when I was living in Quebec (Eastern Canada). It was about 3.5 inches long, It had long spider-ish legs, and it FLEW around our house! I screamed so badly. We finally got a boy to trap it in someone’s water bottle. Then, we were going to let it go, but it scared us so much, we just opened the bottle, and chucked it into the street. Like a grenade. Then, we locked ourselves inside, and retrieved the bottle the next day.
Vera: wooow…
Ahh, I hate huge grasshoppers. There aren’t any where I live, but there are big amounts of them at the seaside. Seriously. And they fly!
I let my cat handle them. It’s messy but at least they are taken care for.
Except I don’t really take my cat to the seaside with me anymore, so I just might need your instructions soon.
Vera: *pictures Zala strolling along the beach dragging a broomstick behind her* Just don’t forget your witch hat
O_O I can’t believe I’m going to be the first to be horrified at the poor un-timely death of that cute little grasshopper
!
They don’t bite or anything, so what I do is just grab a bucket or a bowl or something, place it on top, slid a book underneath to scoop it up, (Doing this part carefully to avoid hurting it’s legs). And then take it outside
It’s good karma! And if grasshoppers should somehow take over the world, they will thank you. <3
Vera: yeah… my dad would probably do something like that too… just not so elaborately (he’d get a towel)… I’m much too busy hyperventilating.
Lol that’s one of the best ways how to describe to defend yourself… it’s cute!
I used to catch the grasshoppers and stuff them all into a big jar… and then pick their legs apart. Now looking back, I often wonder how I could be so cruel… heheh
Vera: eek! I can barely look at them, let alone be close enough to touch them.*shudders*
Last week I went over to a buddy’s home and stayed overnight because I was too tired to drive home.She owns a bunk bed and I was sleeping at the top.At midnight,when I was still awake I saw a cockroach crawling across the ceiling right above me.When it crawled to where my head was,it fell off right onto my pillow!Needless to say I was terrified I ended up falling off the bed and spraining my ankle.Then the neighbor came over holding a baseball bat assuming someone was trying to kill my friend due to the shrieks.
Vera: I’m officially scarred for life
I’ve always wanted to try pepper spray (like the stuff you spray into the eyes of a rapist) on a bug and see what happens…
Vera: you’d need a very good aim, me thinks. I’d probably miss.
I’m with Veve. My best weapon is my mother.
Vera: well yes… but I was trying to prove that I can be independent. Otherwise I’d have swiftly ordered dad to duty.
That’s an interesting way of handling bugs. I have a friend that does it the same way. lol. But the fact that you are scared of bugs has nothing to do with you maturity level! Gesh.
Vera: the fact that I always rely on dad to get rid of them, while claiming I’m oh-so-independent… just might have something to do with it
Hahahahaha. I’m scared of insects too, and I scream bloody murder when I see one.
Just two months ago, I had to coax a lizard out from a hidden portion of my room and it wasn’t a pleasant experience. I was so worried that they little fellow will suddenly pop up right in my face, or something.
In the end, I just screamed for help and my mum appeared at my door, with a frustrated expression and the quizzical question “Whaaaaat now?”
I’ll go with number #1. Scream bloody murder. Beats touching the insect - even with several layers of toilet roll.
Vera: true I never employ this method, while dad is home. Who will you scream for, when you’re on your own?
A lizard? Wow, I’d have probably had a stroke. -.-
If no parents/boyfriends/siblings around, I’ll generally avoid the room until I cannot see it anymore. That includes sleeping elsewhere.
Once there was this cockroach in my room as my blog explains, my boyfriend bought it to my house accidently, and anyway, to cut a long story short - I slept in my housemates room until it went!
Vera: ew… couldn’t you ask for help? From the neighbors, perhaps?
I’m not scared by the insects. At least that’s what I think.
And when it comes to kill them, I have this amazing spray can that would perish them every time!
Vera: well… it stinks
Upon discovery - it was just after midnight! I daren’t bother the neighbours… plus my old house was detatched with a car park on one side, and the other a big driveway and some flats… so I didn’t really know anyone!!
I was sooo frightened of it!
Vera: oh… understandable in that case.
Whenever we spot spiders or other insects, my roommates and I gather around for a group effort kind of thing to kill it…usually me (with lysol wipes)…with them watching. then we wrap it with copious amounts of toilet paper, run it under the sink for a little bit…then flush it. There is, of course, a lot of screaming in the process…
Vera: toilet paper might get jammed though. Hence why I throw it out the window
It could have been friends with Edgar!
Vera: I’m afraid this was a real grasshopper, while Edgar is a figment of your imagination…