When in Crisis
Even though I can’t honestly state that I like reading a lot, I sometimes still happen to find myself in the overcrowded bookstore near my school, perusing the odd book or two. I can’t help but notice the ridiculous amount of self help books on display1 . These self-help books aim to teach you “everything” from how to build a successful business, to becoming a brilliant mother2 . All nice and fine, but experience has demonstrated that these books rarely are of any use, were we to refer to them during a major crisis.
[He] had actually found a section headed “What to Do If One Army Occupies a Well-Fortified and Superior Ground and the Other Does Not?“, but since the first sentence read “Endeavour to be
the one inside” he’d rather lost heart.Carpe Jugulum, by Terry Pratchett
Truth be told, I’m not particularly sure why one might wish to classify fending off two pigeons as ‘major crisis”; but the problem was quite real. Two pigeons have somehow managed to lock themselves up in our storeroom and there was no earthy way they would get out on their own. Risks involved, if nothing was done: break each and every single jar in the storeroom.
To start with, I have to mention a couple of architectural details regarding my apartment. Some years ago, the novel idea of having one’s own thermal heating has entered into my parents mind; far be it from me to blame them, seeing as we never run out of hot water (provided there’s no power outage). One of the ‘accessories needed by said heating station, was new ventilation; in other words: a new hole in the kitchen wall where a thick pipe would let the smoke, gas, and other fumes out.
The outside opening of this pipe was just big enough for stray pigeons to set up their lodgings in. Being the polite creatures that they are, the pigeons would never voluntarily pass up an opportunity to notify their presence, by creating an infernal racket with their shifting.
And so my story begins… Once upon a time (July 2005, to be more precise), Vera was calmly sitting at her PC, happily minding her peaceful hobby (writing mean reviews to 10-14 year-old webmasters). There is a suspicious racket from the kitchen, but yours truly immediately recognizes it as pigeons shifting left and right. Not caring too much, I proceeded to ignore it, as they generally let up after 10 minutes or so. Unfortunately for my (and the reviewees’) piece of mind, they were rather reluctant to do so: the time to take action has come. Now before you imagine all sorts of Rambo-like scenarios, I have the civic duty to inform you, that ‘taking action’ consists in me turning on, then turning off the ventilation above the
cooker. This generally persuades pigeons into , at least, moving their business elsewhere.
In an inconcievable demonstration of cheek, the pigeons appeared not to take any notice and continued their shuffling as if no interruption had occurred. A suspicious muffled crash in the storeroom, suddenly manages to ignite a small flame of panic in my… well whichever place panic first shows up. Bewildered, I open the door, only to find my glance drawn to the top shelf where not one… but TWO pigeons are eying me with equal shock. One quick glance confirms my worst fears: the window is firmly locked; a rather ironic fact, as we never manage to secure it. Any normal person would of course consider opening it, and letting the birds out. Not me! The window opens inside, and toward the shelf which had to be evacuated. Possible risks: the pigeons would somehow manage to shut it back.
So I grumble my way to the toilet, dislodge the kitchen-cleaning broomstick and proceed to open the window. Of course, this action also came with the added bonus of frightening the pigeons into sweeping two more tea boxes off the shelf. Needing time to think, and more urgently, professional HELP, I leave the storeroom’s door open, along with the tiny window, and swiftly dial mom’s office.
Me: Mom?
Mom: Yes, what’s with the desperate tone?
Me: Therearetwopigeonsinthestoreroom!! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?!
Mom: Excuse me?
Me: You know the tiny window in the storeroom? Two pigeons have managed to lock themselves inside… the storeroom, I mean.
Mom: So get them out.
Me: NO! Come home and help me!
Mom: Don’t be ridiculous. Ask the neighbour lady for help.
Me: You expect me to go and tell her “excuse me, but I’m scared of two pigeons, could you please let them out of my storeroom”?
Mom: Yes. Good luck! Byeee!
Such a helpful conversation makes me aware of the two pigeons now repeatedly flying into the CLOSED kitchen window. Unfortunately for me, they did not choose to escape through the tiny, uncomfortable window they entered, but rather the big kitchen window, which was securely closed. It is of course during times like these, that beating oneself up, over not thinking logically, kicks in full force.
On the brink of desperation, I decide to go over to the neighbour lady. I leave the door open, hoping against hope that the pigeons might fly back 5 metres, and then out into the hallway, relieving me of the duty to free them. No such luck occurs, and to my horror the neighbour lady opens the door.
Contrary to what scary movies show you, my neighbours are all very kind and around the age of my parents. So the face revealed from behind the door, is quite familiar and friendly. Axi – her dog – is also eagerly swishing his 1/2 inch poodle tail at me. I could swear he was looking at me knowingly… perceptive dog that one.
Enter Vera, the tomato.
Me: Hello Mrs NL.
NL (smiling): Hello Vera.
Me (bypassing red to scarlet): I’m very sorry to bother you, but there are two pigeons locked in my storeroom and won’t go away. Could you please help me?Vera wonders why the floor wouldn’t swallow her when needed.
NL: Of course. Let’s go Axi!
The nice neighbour lady successfully frees the poor pigeons, while Axi, the curly-haired and lion-hairstyle-sporting poodle, happily swishes his minuscule tail back and forth; possibly providing the much needed moral support. To add insult to injury, I forgot to open the large kitchen window, and thus instructed the neighbour lady to let the pigeons out through the tiny window in the storeroom.
Morale of the story: if only evil, unhelpful, matter-of-fact mom is available, make sure to have nice and friendly neighbour lady as backup solution; just in case a major crisis occurs.
